I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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