just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
