Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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