Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
