I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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