The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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