just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
