i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
