her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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