guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
