Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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