I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
