I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
