This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
