Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
