4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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