Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
