apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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