I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
