I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
