Someone shit on the floor
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
