Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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