I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
