toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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