I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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