I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
