She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
