omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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