I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize