Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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