couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
