Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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