She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
