I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
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