I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
