What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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