and next time when you feel me up, do it right
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Randomize
