I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
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