My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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