you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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