when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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