Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
