ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
