I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
