my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
