so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
