This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
