I smell stomach acid.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
