Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
