If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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