I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
