Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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