I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
