Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
