my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
