why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Randomize
